Shame, You've Been Uninvited. For Real.
I have struggled with mistakenly applying a good life lesson to a situation where it just doesn't fit.
I learned young to take responsibility for my actions, to own up to things, to recognize that my world was a reflection of me, my thoughts, and my behaviours.
But when I was 7 years old, I went for a playdate at my very best friend's house.
Her mom was working that day, but we didn't have to worry because her grandparents lived right next door. And we could go to them if needed.
It turned out that grandpa wanted to come out and play with us in the fields. I thought it was a great idea. He told me to hop up and he'd give me a piggyback ride.
Unfortunately, this playdate turned into one of the unhappiest events of my life, for this person I chose to trust decided to take advantage of me and the fact that I was little, trusting, and had no one there to protect me.
And for the rest of my life I questioned myself. Why did I let that happen to me? Why was I the person he chose to do this to? Why me? I applied that lesson of personal responsibility to a situation that I had no control over. I was trying to heal myself by taking responsibility.
And I had to learn to let that one go. To hand over full responsibility to the perverted perpetrator and stand in my power.
Sharing this right now has me catching my breath and feeling the heaviness in my chest I experienced for many years.
But I wanted to share because, you know that lesson we learn about taking responsibility for ourselves, what happens to us, and how we respond...well that's a heck of a burden for seven year old, or for anyone who has been the victim of abuse in any way.
And the shame. Oh the effing shame. Right now there is someone reading this thinking, Why would she share something like this? So inappropriate. She should keep that private.
And knowing that others think this way keeps people like me quiet for too long. We don't want to rock the boat, embarrass or offend anyone.
It's like it's ok to tell people that someone came up to you and punched you in the nose, but it's highly inappropriate to share how someone stole your innocence, betrayed your trust and scarred you and your heart for the rest of your life.
So anyway, I just did just that. Oh well.
I grew up in a culture of this. Several of my friends were molested by friends, family members, and get this, church leaders.
I am no longer going to feel shame about sharing, discussing, or bringing awareness to a problem I did not start, participate in, or perpetuate.
And if you need some love and support because you are still wading through the shame that some monster put you in, I'm here. ❤️