I HAD AN IDENTITY CRISIS
I had an identity crisis…and maybe not the kind of identity crisis one usually hears of.
While meditating yesterday I had a revelation that shook me.
I heard someone ask a question about identity.
So I took it to my meditation.
And slowly, in the silence outside of me, I heard a voice inside of me.
It was little Shannon, and she was sharing moments where she felt embarrassed and ashamed in childhood. And how it was in those times that she made the embarrassment and shame a part of her identity.
She associated with shame and embarrassment…and had a belief that those things lowered the value of her identity.
And then an older Shannon shared memories of making identity a priority. She didn’t feel good enough or valued enough or enough enough so she would try to connect her identity to the people and things that would elevate her identity to others and to herself.
She sought to change her identity in order to decrease her smallness, her unimportantness, her incompleteness, her shame, and sense of undeservedness. To associate with the right people, the right jobs, the right education, the right products, the right behaviours, the right attitudes, the right choices, the right whatever…for it was all those things that would impress the world and ensure her identity aligned with what was expected of her, thereby qualifying her presence on this earth, or at least justifying it.
And all of this because I believed identities were evaluated, and then based on their score, they reflected the value of the person who held that identity.
I believed my identity was me. Or part of my identity was me. And so in order to be in the good graces of the people or the establishment I was currently connected with or trying to impress, I would shift or curate my identity to match. It was as though I was making a bowl of soup and didn’t think it was soup enough with just the broth, so I had to keep adding to it in order to make it a valid, unquestionable bowl of soup.
So, my meditation brought something huge up for me. And I think in bringing it up, it brought it out. Out to look at, to recognize, to throw some love and acceptance of, then to gently dismiss it in order to make way for new understanding.
I am learning something about identity.
I am learning that my identity is not me.
It’s not even part of me.
But rather it’s the vessel that I am carried in, it’s the patterns by which my physical mind and body move throughout this life. It’s not my soul. It has nothing to do with my value.
My vessel bears my appearance, my personality, my choices, my genetics. My vessel created patterns and expectations and desires. Therein lies my identity. The very combination of things that connects me deeply to tangible ideas, values, and traits, but also defines my uniqueness and distinguishes me from anyone else.
I am not my identity.
My identity and its value are fluid.
My identity can change.
Someone may like my identity one day and then not the next.
My identity may align with an individual, a group, or a cause and then not.
I am not my identity.
This doesn’t mean my identity isn’t important. In fact, yes, identity is so important. And we need identity to make distinction and to live out our best life through passion, love, and purpose.
But identity does not determine the greatness of you. Identity does not determine your value.
Identity is merely the shell that holds your soul, the means to be an active member of this place we reside for now. It’s the way you share your soul and the way others share their soul with you.
So regardless of the blip, glitch, or blunder…despite the chips, cracks, and holes in the vessel, your soul is pure, it’s whole, it’s 100%. It is no better or no worse. It is no bigger or smaller. It is no quieter or louder. It is no happier or sadder. It is never put into any qualifier. It can’t be challenged or defeated. It doesn’t compete against others. It holds no anger or resentment. It cannot be measured. It doesn’t care to be recognized by anyone but its vessel.
And because of this, you are free. You are so free. Your identity does not determine how valuable you are. And the fact that you have a soul offers you a God-given right to fully create your identity, with all the inspiration you’ve been given, avoiding all fear and hesitation.
And hey! If you want to join a community of like-minded women who are always challenging you and supporting you to live your best life, hop on over to my facebook group!